Short post.

While having my emo night last night, crying till 4am in the morning, etc, I viewed all my post from august 2008 till now. Lots of changes in me. from typing style, to my way of handling stuff, to my way of letting go three different yet special friendship, to how i meet my new close friends and once again lose them, to....
Every single friendship. That most unforgettable three were really a hard time for me. Every single time i told myself not to go close to anyone, i will still have someone special in my heart. I mean friend. Some people might misunderstand me with such. However, to me, friends are something that is more important than love, more important than myself. I treasure friendship like GOLD.
After handling three such great problem, now, im having another friend that is special to me. And i doubt anything will happen to fast as we are still being very straight to one another. First few year is always like that, the real test is like after two years or so? Yeah. But i know, if this turns out to be a failure... My cycle will repeat and yes, its gonna be a HARD time for me.

Indescribable pain.

I have to pull myself together. This period of time, i should be enjoying myself with all the exciting events planned. I do not want this part of me to spoil the fun.

Went out with the puipuis, i laughed, i played hard, i crapped nonsense as usual, everything as usual. However, in me, i still feel down. I know i can get rid of that. Because this shouldnt happen. Once one of my ah puis said that im abit not right in my mind, like too crazy... Instead of feeling happy, instead of thinking that its really crazy, i replied her "My mind, sot alr." And then after that i told her, maybe its just my lowest part of my life now. Will be over soon.

After reflecting alittle while on why am i behaving like this today. I realised that im trying to numb myself by being a clown, by trying to show that im okay, by smiling and laughing all the way through.

I hope this nightmare will be over soon. Really.
Btw, ytd i received a message. _ asked me whether im alright, surprisingly, i did not mention a single thing about what happened. Not that im lazy to type or what. I just think that, you are asking this just to show that "Oh im caring too. Cannot lose to _ " However on the other side, i refuse to say cos you are already troubled with your own fucked up lifestyle, i do not wanna start conver and i have to handle yours before mine. Moreover, i do not wanna add on to your burden.

At this rate im going, i think recovery time will increase... Damn...

Cant give up.

Lots of things to mention. But maybe i just name two. Family and once again genre.

Family. Few months ago, Mum and dad quarreling almost every single day, but now they stopped.
However, dad has been cold towards mum and she felt troubled at times. But sometimes, he is so sweet to mummy. Today dad did the same thing again. I dont know why. But im really afraid. Afraid of him stop loving my mum... Mum did check up today. Found out that she have fatty liver and more stones growing in her tummy. Worst thing, her private part, internal rotten. Because when she's young, she dont take care. First thing she worried was dad. Cos she said this is something very dirty and embarrassing as you know, they do "that" sometimes. Till they stopped...
Im really afraid one day he stopped loving her anymore. I've talked to him through sms. But he ignored... I really want them to last as long till they die. Worried for this. Cos its my family. Its something that will be there for me anytime, anywhere.

Genre. Members are getting lesser. 8. Only 8. Every single day, have been thinking about what actually happened. Worst part is always after practice... Okay, to be honest, i can see some really into genre alr. But still... left 8. To be honest, we cant lose anyone already, cant afford to lose any members. Whatever all these troubles about handling genre and the members, no matter how tiring and vexed i am, i think some stuff, its just... like this.
However, i always rmb what alex said. "I rather teach those few that wants to learn than to teach thousands with no passion." Its true. But ever since i stepped into the comm, ever since i know how TRCC works, i really want to make GEnRe a HUGE ensemble with large amount of people sharing the same passion, pursuing their dreams...
Its impossible. I hope this batch comm will do something to it since i voiced out infront of zaini. And zaini seems to be amazed by that.
Next thing that troubled me today. Months ago, because of my selfishness, i decide to arrange and cut the scores for grand solo. Its like freaking 19 pages to cut and arrange. I decided not to trouble anyone as they are busy and some very tired over school stuff. However, unable to make it on time, i asked sharon to help me. And yes, my nightmare came, lots of mistake in the bass's score. Totally spoiled my mood. Why am i so careless? Why must i mess up such nice piece and disappoint everyone?! Why am i so dumb...
Genre has always been on my mind anywhere i go. The thought of it gives me strength, gives me courage to be the "voice" of genre infront of TRCC people. The thought of it makes me tear, troubled, angry, inferior, etc. Good and bad. But i really have to say, suckers are always there. And that fact that they are there, just their faces, really make me feel that im not alone.

I hate myself at times. Typing at this in the middle of the night, 2am. Refused to talk to anyone. Unable to share my troubles as im always keeping it to myself all these while. unable to adapt. Not used to allow people handle my prob. Its always me that do all these. So i cant pass it down. Troubling more people, giving people impact or affect them. Hurting them,thats the last thing i wanna do.

Update.

Well well, i was studying for genetics and i decided to pop by here to say hi:)
What happened lately? Loads of stuff to say. But nah, not today. So tired of reporting the same old thing till i can go bang some wall haha.

Suckers, same as usual:) Caring, loving, sincere, etc. The support, motivation, drive, enthusiasm to everyday in poly? Them.

My puipuis side? Same. Three weeks not having a full count of four rascals but still, some of us still meet up for lunch/dinner:) Something magical about this is that, even if we one month dont meet, once we meet, everything just remains the same. We start off with usual disturbing and GL each other. Then automatically to talking and discussing about own life. But usually they listen to mine more as im very very talkative. Update each other what happen and stuff.

GEnRe? Just passed down. Very worried for Hidayat. He need those support from the rest of committees and his fellow members. That day i was have a HTH talk with him. And if possible, if time allow me to, i will have a small talk with everyone in GEnRe. Its like when he announce when break ends, they dont obey, therefore leads him to a thought of "nobody will listen to me" And thats bad. Reflecting on myself, because i used to have those thoughts, end up my juniors now dont really listen. Im not firm on my own stand and give a very strict dominance in my instructions. I told him about all this, he seems to understand. Well, i will be there for him. Thats the promise i made to myself on the day i decided to hand it over to him. The rest of the committees too, not to forget.

Family? Mum and dad are discussing about moving to which new house and also mum's company. Everyday see she do tired and stuff. Heartache. I tried my best to help her during weekends and even weekdays at night. But still yeah. Ytd we all manage to make her forget about those stress and had fun. I think family support for her is important now. After bro committed a crime, she tried to give him what he wants, freedom. Im not jealous, neither feeling that she is biased towards him. But rather i felt better in a way, cos at least he felt the love from us, sometimes, he even talk to me!:D I remember i wrote him a letter about this, about forgiving and asked him to reflect. Maybe he felt the love but he is a guy so he is unable to show me his love. But definitely i can see that huge change in him. Spend more time with us, treat me mum mum after he got his pay from NS,etc.

About THAT friend. Although i have settled a couple of things for her, but i know there's still more to come. As what one of my suckers says, i have to take care of myself to take care others. So yeah, i gave myself some time to "recover" and im ready for more to come. Well, what i can give is just support and a listening ears. If needed then i will approach. #likeaboss. HAHAH!!!

Post so much! 11PM SOON! Bye~

What a wondeful world.

We are not powerless. We have tremendous potential for good or ill. How we choose to use that power is up to us; but first we must choose to use it. We're told every day, You can't change the world. But the world is changing every day. Only question is who's doing it? You or somebody else?

It's like I get into a roller coaster, and sit there while it goes up and down and upside down and sometimes I get thrown out and I hit my head, but I crawl back in again and the moment I'm back in, it just keeps on going and going again...all of this, so I can find things out and then I write about the things I find out so you can find them out from me. All the bruises, all the wounds, all the bumps on the head, all the scars, just so I can take that and I can write all these things, and sometimes I say "God, I don't want to be in this roller coaster anymore." But when I think about it, if I'm not right here, then where the hell would I be? On the sidewalk? I wasn't born to stand on the sidewalk, I was born to fly around crazy in the sky!

Aww~ So philosophical zhiyin:D That is why... I CAME TO THIS WORLD FOR A REASON DUMB!
These few days i reflected at night, who i wanna be, what can i be, what am i going to do next, etc. Everything about myself and my friends. My previous thoughts that lead to my actions. My previous speech that lead to some impact on them. Everything.
Happy thing is few days before i actually helped two of my friends on the same night. Its not about showing off or what. But im really happy cos i can see their smiles. Most importantly, they finally looked at their own life in a positive way and not a negative way:) Used to be "I dont wanna live. Why this world can be so.... I hate my life. FML." So on and on.

Great weather, great friends to whatsapp and text with (companions), great chair, great lappy, great bed, great muscleache, great fishy and... GREAT ZHIYIN! BYE~~

Theories.

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?

This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy!