While having my emo night last night, crying till 4am in the morning, etc, I viewed all my post from august 2008 till now. Lots of changes in me. from typing style, to my way of handling stuff, to my way of letting go three different yet special friendship, to how i meet my new close friends and once again lose them, to....
Every single friendship. That most unforgettable three were really a hard time for me. Every single time i told myself not to go close to anyone, i will still have someone special in my heart. I mean friend. Some people might misunderstand me with such. However, to me, friends are something that is more important than love, more important than myself. I treasure friendship like GOLD.
After handling three such great problem, now, im having another friend that is special to me. And i doubt anything will happen to fast as we are still being very straight to one another. First few year is always like that, the real test is like after two years or so? Yeah. But i know, if this turns out to be a failure... My cycle will repeat and yes, its gonna be a HARD time for me.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Indescribable pain.
I have to pull myself together. This period of time, i should be enjoying myself with all the exciting events planned. I do not want this part of me to spoil the fun.
Went out with the puipuis, i laughed, i played hard, i crapped nonsense as usual, everything as usual. However, in me, i still feel down. I know i can get rid of that. Because this shouldnt happen. Once one of my ah puis said that im abit not right in my mind, like too crazy... Instead of feeling happy, instead of thinking that its really crazy, i replied her "My mind, sot alr." And then after that i told her, maybe its just my lowest part of my life now. Will be over soon.
After reflecting alittle while on why am i behaving like this today. I realised that im trying to numb myself by being a clown, by trying to show that im okay, by smiling and laughing all the way through.
I hope this nightmare will be over soon. Really.
Btw, ytd i received a message. _ asked me whether im alright, surprisingly, i did not mention a single thing about what happened. Not that im lazy to type or what. I just think that, you are asking this just to show that "Oh im caring too. Cannot lose to _ " However on the other side, i refuse to say cos you are already troubled with your own fucked up lifestyle, i do not wanna start conver and i have to handle yours before mine. Moreover, i do not wanna add on to your burden.
At this rate im going, i think recovery time will increase... Damn...
Went out with the puipuis, i laughed, i played hard, i crapped nonsense as usual, everything as usual. However, in me, i still feel down. I know i can get rid of that. Because this shouldnt happen. Once one of my ah puis said that im abit not right in my mind, like too crazy... Instead of feeling happy, instead of thinking that its really crazy, i replied her "My mind, sot alr." And then after that i told her, maybe its just my lowest part of my life now. Will be over soon.
After reflecting alittle while on why am i behaving like this today. I realised that im trying to numb myself by being a clown, by trying to show that im okay, by smiling and laughing all the way through.
I hope this nightmare will be over soon. Really.
Btw, ytd i received a message. _ asked me whether im alright, surprisingly, i did not mention a single thing about what happened. Not that im lazy to type or what. I just think that, you are asking this just to show that "Oh im caring too. Cannot lose to _ " However on the other side, i refuse to say cos you are already troubled with your own fucked up lifestyle, i do not wanna start conver and i have to handle yours before mine. Moreover, i do not wanna add on to your burden.
At this rate im going, i think recovery time will increase... Damn...
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Cant give up.
Lots of things to mention. But maybe i just name two. Family and once again genre.
Family. Few months ago, Mum and dad quarreling almost every single day, but now they stopped.
However, dad has been cold towards mum and she felt troubled at times. But sometimes, he is so sweet to mummy. Today dad did the same thing again. I dont know why. But im really afraid. Afraid of him stop loving my mum... Mum did check up today. Found out that she have fatty liver and more stones growing in her tummy. Worst thing, her private part, internal rotten. Because when she's young, she dont take care. First thing she worried was dad. Cos she said this is something very dirty and embarrassing as you know, they do "that" sometimes. Till they stopped...
Im really afraid one day he stopped loving her anymore. I've talked to him through sms. But he ignored... I really want them to last as long till they die. Worried for this. Cos its my family. Its something that will be there for me anytime, anywhere.
Genre. Members are getting lesser. 8. Only 8. Every single day, have been thinking about what actually happened. Worst part is always after practice... Okay, to be honest, i can see some really into genre alr. But still... left 8. To be honest, we cant lose anyone already, cant afford to lose any members. Whatever all these troubles about handling genre and the members, no matter how tiring and vexed i am, i think some stuff, its just... like this.
However, i always rmb what alex said. "I rather teach those few that wants to learn than to teach thousands with no passion." Its true. But ever since i stepped into the comm, ever since i know how TRCC works, i really want to make GEnRe a HUGE ensemble with large amount of people sharing the same passion, pursuing their dreams...
Its impossible. I hope this batch comm will do something to it since i voiced out infront of zaini. And zaini seems to be amazed by that.
Next thing that troubled me today. Months ago, because of my selfishness, i decide to arrange and cut the scores for grand solo. Its like freaking 19 pages to cut and arrange. I decided not to trouble anyone as they are busy and some very tired over school stuff. However, unable to make it on time, i asked sharon to help me. And yes, my nightmare came, lots of mistake in the bass's score. Totally spoiled my mood. Why am i so careless? Why must i mess up such nice piece and disappoint everyone?! Why am i so dumb...
Genre has always been on my mind anywhere i go. The thought of it gives me strength, gives me courage to be the "voice" of genre infront of TRCC people. The thought of it makes me tear, troubled, angry, inferior, etc. Good and bad. But i really have to say, suckers are always there. And that fact that they are there, just their faces, really make me feel that im not alone.
I hate myself at times. Typing at this in the middle of the night, 2am. Refused to talk to anyone. Unable to share my troubles as im always keeping it to myself all these while. unable to adapt. Not used to allow people handle my prob. Its always me that do all these. So i cant pass it down. Troubling more people, giving people impact or affect them. Hurting them,thats the last thing i wanna do.
Family. Few months ago, Mum and dad quarreling almost every single day, but now they stopped.
However, dad has been cold towards mum and she felt troubled at times. But sometimes, he is so sweet to mummy. Today dad did the same thing again. I dont know why. But im really afraid. Afraid of him stop loving my mum... Mum did check up today. Found out that she have fatty liver and more stones growing in her tummy. Worst thing, her private part, internal rotten. Because when she's young, she dont take care. First thing she worried was dad. Cos she said this is something very dirty and embarrassing as you know, they do "that" sometimes. Till they stopped...
Im really afraid one day he stopped loving her anymore. I've talked to him through sms. But he ignored... I really want them to last as long till they die. Worried for this. Cos its my family. Its something that will be there for me anytime, anywhere.
Genre. Members are getting lesser. 8. Only 8. Every single day, have been thinking about what actually happened. Worst part is always after practice... Okay, to be honest, i can see some really into genre alr. But still... left 8. To be honest, we cant lose anyone already, cant afford to lose any members. Whatever all these troubles about handling genre and the members, no matter how tiring and vexed i am, i think some stuff, its just... like this.
However, i always rmb what alex said. "I rather teach those few that wants to learn than to teach thousands with no passion." Its true. But ever since i stepped into the comm, ever since i know how TRCC works, i really want to make GEnRe a HUGE ensemble with large amount of people sharing the same passion, pursuing their dreams...
Its impossible. I hope this batch comm will do something to it since i voiced out infront of zaini. And zaini seems to be amazed by that.
Next thing that troubled me today. Months ago, because of my selfishness, i decide to arrange and cut the scores for grand solo. Its like freaking 19 pages to cut and arrange. I decided not to trouble anyone as they are busy and some very tired over school stuff. However, unable to make it on time, i asked sharon to help me. And yes, my nightmare came, lots of mistake in the bass's score. Totally spoiled my mood. Why am i so careless? Why must i mess up such nice piece and disappoint everyone?! Why am i so dumb...
Genre has always been on my mind anywhere i go. The thought of it gives me strength, gives me courage to be the "voice" of genre infront of TRCC people. The thought of it makes me tear, troubled, angry, inferior, etc. Good and bad. But i really have to say, suckers are always there. And that fact that they are there, just their faces, really make me feel that im not alone.
I hate myself at times. Typing at this in the middle of the night, 2am. Refused to talk to anyone. Unable to share my troubles as im always keeping it to myself all these while. unable to adapt. Not used to allow people handle my prob. Its always me that do all these. So i cant pass it down. Troubling more people, giving people impact or affect them. Hurting them,thats the last thing i wanna do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)